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Fat Dude Vs. Food – The Plan!

Posted by Kyle Martinak on June 23, 2009

Here I am, and I am so very, very fat. This is my new weekly blog, which I plan to collect at the end of the summer and call “BLOBblog,” after I’ve lost a few pounds.

Step #1: My name is Kyle, and I really wish I weighed less. I used to wish I looked good, now I’m beyond that. I just want to feel better. I am not gargantuan, or by any means in physical peril (I don’t think), but I wheeze when I go up and down stairs. I huff and puff like a tug boat when I bend over to tie a shoe. And I’m kind of scared. No medical condition, no self-loathing “I’m killing myself with food” nonsense…but I’m frightened that I wouldn’t survive without my precious chocolate and sausage everyday. I’m very much psychologically addicted to food, and that is why I’m calling this “Fat Dude Vs. Food.” My hunger, it isn’t a pet to be scolded…it’s a monster. I must guard this monster’s cage, and when he gets out, I must fight him back in. This is my quest.

Now that I got all that out, where do I start? Should I weigh myself, feel bad, do ten push-ups and call it a day (remembering to celebrate with a Big Mac and a barrell of Coca-Cola)? Naw. The fact is, I have no discipline. I can’t expect myself to gain military-like restraint and vigor. And programs don’t work. Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, and all the other trademarked products of our wanton society only serve to mock me and siphon cash from me.

What I need to do is formulate a plan or two…that’s what Brian Boitano would do. Sorry, I had to type it.

Step #2: Planning to eat less is easy, because I have no money for food. I have less than a thousand dollars to last until September. The problem is, I need to let my monster out for a snack every once in a while, particularly when it is planned out and/or a free meal. Therefore, I’ll have to do what die-hard dieters call “cheating.” I don’t think eating a plate of eggs and bacon is on par with adultery, or card-sharking, or any other form of cheating, so I will do it. Just not often.

I’ll be eating yogurt or fruit in the morning…after walking to the store to get it. This is a return to primitive man working for his food, and that comforts me. Also, it will give me an incentive to exercise daily…my hunger. Here, I’m harnessing my monster, and making him work for me…take that, man-boobs!

For lunch and dinner, I’ll have to count calories, and form habits. I know I can form eating habits…that’s what got me here in the first place. Now I just need some good habits. Salads, nothing fried, nothing fatty (except me). Drink sugar-free fluids only…diet soda, tea, or good old-fashioned water.

As for exercise, I refuse to over-exert myself. The reason I hate exercise is because everyone wants me to push myself right from the start. I say, as a fat person who possesses logic, that’s a bullshit plan. I should begin by just remembering to get off my ass and move daily. After that, we can talk about pushing boundaries.

Step #3: Okay. Here’s hoping I can do this. I know I joke constantly about being a fat guy, but I honestly hate it. I wish I fit into medium-sized clothes, and I wish I felt comfortable at the pool without a shirt. If I joke about my weight, let me. Jokes are my only defense when the monster takes over. They keep me in perspective. But now, after admitting my problem and acknowledging my fight with the monster (Step #1) and writing a battle plan for keeping him at bay (Step #2), I need your help. If you are reading this, I need your help. I need you to keep reading, every week. My updates will be short, and I will try to be amusing, but if I have an audience, I will have incentive to continue with THE PLAN. If I were in Alcoholics Anonymous, you would be my sponsors. The monster, while being an enemy, is my higher power. I can’t defeat him. I can only contain him. I must respect him.

If you will be my sponsor, leave your name…and wish me luck.

Hello, my name is Kyle. And the whole time I wrote this…I wish I had some pudding.


4 Responses to “Fat Dude Vs. Food – The Plan!”

  1. Jenny said

    Hey Kyle! I am going to be losing weight too! What worked for me last time I lost almost a hundred pounds was to keep a journal. I wrote down every calorie I ate which made me want to eat less caloric foods. Also, the budget meals and things like that which are portioned helped me a lot too. Also great on the pocket book. I also wrote down every little bit of exercise I did because it motivated me to exercise more. I hope I can help you in any way I can. 🙂 Just let me know and I will keep you posted on my progress…. we can motivate each other!

  2. Sharayah said

    Best of luck Kyle! (You know you can get sugar-free pudding, right? It’s not that bad…)

  3. Chris Brewer said

    Dude, good luck i hope it works out for you and i’ll b e reading from time to time… i too have a fat monster in my closet. maybe you will inspire me to join you on this crusade.

  4. TheKingOfZing said

    Though I consider it a sin that you are turning your back on your fatness and thus letting down our fellow brothers in arms who have come before us, namely John Candy and Chris Farley, I commend you on your vigor and want to change your life. Whenever I get the urge to lose weight, I always go on a low Carb diet. Now I know that you have written that you hate diets like that, but just understand that literally the low carb diet is the quickest and surest way to lose weight, and to also keep oneself away from things like Diabetes. When I was originally on a low carb diet I lost like twenty or so pounds very quickly and my grandparents who have been on it have both lost around 70 lbs each in around two years I think. So yeah, definitely think about cutting the carbs… 20 grams a day is usually a good limit to keep oneself to. Anyways, good luck.

    – The King of Zing (last time I weighed myself I was around 280… I’m probably at least a little bit bigger now…lol) Maybe I will diet a little bit with you…lol.

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