Contemporary Clichés

Fiction by K.R. Martinak

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Archive for the ‘Kyle’s Blog’ Category

Fat Dude Vs. Food, Week 4

Posted by Kyle Martinak on August 6, 2009

I haven’t been keeping up, but there’s a reason for slacking off on the posts…I was slacking off on the diet. But I’m not worried. I’ve lost a total of fifteen pounds! That means, more than a month ago, I was 300 pounds. Now I’m 285, and I’m ready to keep going until I hit 250. That’s my goal.

I’ve been keeping busy, running in between Hillsboro and Independence, and moving into my new room in my apartment. Also, I’ve tried to take up the harmonica. Activities, they help. I haven’t gotten the exercise I planned for, but I blame that on the crazy heat that wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve been eating out too much. That should change, and soon. It’s also affecting my wallet, which is considerably lighter than back in June.

Anyhow, I hope anyone still reads this, and if so, thanks. I’ll see you all when I can, and I wish you well.

Right now, I’ve got some business to attend to that involves tacos, cats, and DVD shelves…Don’t ask.

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Fat Dude Vs. Food, Week 3

Posted by Kyle Martinak on July 17, 2009

It took me a few days to get around to this week’s post. To my half-dozen loyal readers, I apologize about that.

Some backsliding this week. I had fast food, and I had sweets. I did have less of them, however. I’m just getting tired of the usual foods. Variety is the spice of life, especially with foods.

I really miss Italian pastas and sauces. I also really miss soda. It’s my biggest vice, and I used to drink a whole lot of it.

On the exercise front, I walk when I feel like it, which is more than I used to. Chris Pranger visited the other night, and we walked a good distance. Made me feel better about the sandwich i ate.

Going to Hillsboro tonight, and I hope I can keep a lid on myself while I’m there. I also have to weigh myself while I’m there. I don’t own a scale, and I can’t go back to the pharmacy and use theirs.

Anyway, that’s what happened this week. I’ll be back to whine about being hungry next week.

My name is Kyle, and the whole time I wrote this, I wish I had some chicken chow mein.

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Fat Dude Vs. Food, Week 2

Posted by Kyle Martinak on July 9, 2009

Here I am! I’m still doing my best, and it’s slow going.

I checked my weight for the first time since my plan. I’ve only lost five pounds, but at least I’m below the dreaded 300 mark. As a plus, my blood-pressure falls under a “normal for adults” heading, and I don’t feel too bad about it.

On a darker note, I lost my head the other night. I secreted off to the Circle K and grabbed a shit-ton of chocolate bars. I ate every one of them in one sitting. I felt like a real dumbass. I’m better today, but it was hard. I don’t know why I did it, but now I can say I’ve had an unplanned relapse.

The need for gratification is overwhelming. And my brother, God love him, can be a devil on my shoulder. I’ve found a way to deal with that, however. Tonight, we broke down and went to MacDonald’s for dinner. Adam had everything I ever wanted to die from eating: cheeseburger, fries, those tasty little snack-wraps, and a sugared beverage. I bought an overpriced salad, and drank water. As soon as I finish this post, we’re going to get something sweet. He’ll be getting something I crave…I’ll be getting something overpriced and sugar-free.

This is my life for now. And I have to say, I’m sick of it already. To make matters worse, I randomly read up on the military weight requirements today (don’t worry, I’m not qualified and I don’t want to sign up). I would have to be 176 pounds just to sign up. I’d need to lose a whole person’s weight just to go to basic and loose 40 pounds more.

Such is life, as my best buddy Chris would say. Welcome to the suck, as my brother has already said.

My name is Kyle, and the whole time I wrote this, I really wanted an Angus Three-Pounder with swiss cheese and mushrooms, from my estranged friend, Ronald.

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Fat Dude Vs. Food, Week 1

Posted by Kyle Martinak on July 2, 2009

First off, thanks to those of you who left me comments. I get bummed when no one is reading my fiction, let alone my “fat diary,” as I’ve taken to calling it.

So, some updates:

About five seconds after I posted “The Plan,” Mother Nature took a shit on me. Some people love the 90 degree weather, and I don’t. I get a sunburn under a lightbulb, and I sweat while peeling an orange. But I tried to adhere to the plan despite it.

Rosely and I had our anniversary weekend, which was great. And I managed to eat a lot, and exercise a little bit. I know she’s reading this, and I’m sorry honey, but you bring out the scarfing pig in me. I’m working on it.

Once I got back, I dove into my plan head-on. I had a pretty hellish day where I didn’t eat anything until six or seven in the evening. That wasn’t planned, but it was stupid. Since then I’ve been trying to eat in the morning, and I like the results…I’m not as hungry in the afternoon. I’ve gone through a few pots of white rice, and today I’m switching to brown. Adam even helped me out by shopping for healthy stuff last night. He also let me have some of his pizza…but only two slices for dinner! Usually I eat half of the damn thing.

As for exercise, I’ve been walking to the video store a bit, and the other day I walked downtown to my favorite bookstore and back. It’s pretty far for a fatty like me. Several miles round-trip. Rosely fed me a big old lunch for our anniversary, but then we went for a vigorous walk down the beach in Cannon Beach. We also went for a swim in her apartment complex’s pool. I didn’t feel too bad about my gut being exposed, because the token supervising adult at the pool (he may have been a life guard, a maintenance guy, or a pool cleaner, or someone’s mentally challenged brother) was a pretty big guy. And he was spending an awful lot of time around the pool, with a shirt on.

Anyway, I’ve cheated, but I planned to. I found what makes me comfortable…I cheat with pizza, or eggs or something, but only in moderation, and certainly NO SUGAR. I haven’t had sugar since Monday. That may not sound like an accomplishment, but it is for a guy like me. Especially considering we have a bottle of chocolate syrup in the fridge. You’ll never know how many times I wanted to upend that bottle and drink that stuff straight. Okay, that sounded gross, but I’m being truthful.

So, now I have a whole new problem coming up: a holiday weekend. I can’t over-eat,even though it’s a family pastime. Oh well. We’re going to a Chinese buffet…there must be steamed rice and vegetables there…but there are also fried stuff! DUN DUN DUNNNN! Wish me luck, everybody!

Hello, my name is Kyle. And the whole time that I wrote this, I wish I was eating a whole box of Coco Puffs.

P.S. Thanks for all the tips, I’ve been trying them. And Sugar-Free pudding tastes great! I just can’t have more than one!

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Fat Dude Vs. Food – The Plan!

Posted by Kyle Martinak on June 23, 2009

Here I am, and I am so very, very fat. This is my new weekly blog, which I plan to collect at the end of the summer and call “BLOBblog,” after I’ve lost a few pounds.

Step #1: My name is Kyle, and I really wish I weighed less. I used to wish I looked good, now I’m beyond that. I just want to feel better. I am not gargantuan, or by any means in physical peril (I don’t think), but I wheeze when I go up and down stairs. I huff and puff like a tug boat when I bend over to tie a shoe. And I’m kind of scared. No medical condition, no self-loathing “I’m killing myself with food” nonsense…but I’m frightened that I wouldn’t survive without my precious chocolate and sausage everyday. I’m very much psychologically addicted to food, and that is why I’m calling this “Fat Dude Vs. Food.” My hunger, it isn’t a pet to be scolded…it’s a monster. I must guard this monster’s cage, and when he gets out, I must fight him back in. This is my quest.

Now that I got all that out, where do I start? Should I weigh myself, feel bad, do ten push-ups and call it a day (remembering to celebrate with a Big Mac and a barrell of Coca-Cola)? Naw. The fact is, I have no discipline. I can’t expect myself to gain military-like restraint and vigor. And programs don’t work. Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, and all the other trademarked products of our wanton society only serve to mock me and siphon cash from me.

What I need to do is formulate a plan or two…that’s what Brian Boitano would do. Sorry, I had to type it.

Step #2: Planning to eat less is easy, because I have no money for food. I have less than a thousand dollars to last until September. The problem is, I need to let my monster out for a snack every once in a while, particularly when it is planned out and/or a free meal. Therefore, I’ll have to do what die-hard dieters call “cheating.” I don’t think eating a plate of eggs and bacon is on par with adultery, or card-sharking, or any other form of cheating, so I will do it. Just not often.

I’ll be eating yogurt or fruit in the morning…after walking to the store to get it. This is a return to primitive man working for his food, and that comforts me. Also, it will give me an incentive to exercise daily…my hunger. Here, I’m harnessing my monster, and making him work for me…take that, man-boobs!

For lunch and dinner, I’ll have to count calories, and form habits. I know I can form eating habits…that’s what got me here in the first place. Now I just need some good habits. Salads, nothing fried, nothing fatty (except me). Drink sugar-free fluids only…diet soda, tea, or good old-fashioned water.

As for exercise, I refuse to over-exert myself. The reason I hate exercise is because everyone wants me to push myself right from the start. I say, as a fat person who possesses logic, that’s a bullshit plan. I should begin by just remembering to get off my ass and move daily. After that, we can talk about pushing boundaries.

Step #3: Okay. Here’s hoping I can do this. I know I joke constantly about being a fat guy, but I honestly hate it. I wish I fit into medium-sized clothes, and I wish I felt comfortable at the pool without a shirt. If I joke about my weight, let me. Jokes are my only defense when the monster takes over. They keep me in perspective. But now, after admitting my problem and acknowledging my fight with the monster (Step #1) and writing a battle plan for keeping him at bay (Step #2), I need your help. If you are reading this, I need your help. I need you to keep reading, every week. My updates will be short, and I will try to be amusing, but if I have an audience, I will have incentive to continue with THE PLAN. If I were in Alcoholics Anonymous, you would be my sponsors. The monster, while being an enemy, is my higher power. I can’t defeat him. I can only contain him. I must respect him.

If you will be my sponsor, leave your name…and wish me luck.

Hello, my name is Kyle. And the whole time I wrote this…I wish I had some pudding.

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TV Show Depression: Why can’t a network commit?

Posted by Kyle Martinak on April 15, 2009

I’ve become so enthralled by the entertainment business, I’ve forgotten how cut-throat and despicable it is. These executives sit high up in their offices at Rockafeller Plaza, or in L.A., and they are the ones who make the hard decisions about which shows to cancel. Should they have that responsibility? Hell no!

I know damn well that those cats don’t even watch TV anymore. So they base their decisions off of the almighty Neilson Ratings system. Therefore, if Show A gets consistently decent ratings for two years, and Show B got terrible ratings for two years and terrific ratings for half of season three, these fools go with Show B.

Meanwhile, the people who watch the most TV (the ones that tune in EVERY WEEK for their favorite shows) are getting shafted and alienated. I like the occasional episode of “The Big Bang Theory,” but I NEED to watch “The Sarah Connor Chronicles” and “Chuck” every week. It just doesn’t make sense that these big-wigs cater to the casual viewer, rather than the religious viewer.

After all, in any business with a consistent service it costs ten times as much to sign a new client as it does to keep an old client (I learned that from “The Office”). So, why do these people (Who see TV purely as business) try every year to sign up millions of new clients, when they could just let a show have a second or third season, and keep millions of clients?

The problem, I think, is that they are trying to anticipate too much. For example, Fox cannot hold onto a prime-time science fiction/drama. They try these wild shows with odd, scary, or epic premises. They show courage in their choices; “Firefly” looked like it could become the new “Babylon V”, while “Dark Angel” was a really ballsy and profitable show. But, these pukes who run things looked at the ratings every week, and tracked them. “Firefly” didn’t last one season, and “Dark Angel” barely got two. Fox actually axed shows created by Joss “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” Whedon, and James “Terminator, Aliens, Titanic, need I go on…” Cameron.

And my point is, look at every sci-fi show that geeks love and watch religiously: “Star Trek” (three seasons), “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (seven seasons), “The X-Files” (nine seasons), the current  “Doctor Who” (four seasons), and even the new “Battlestar Galactica” (five seasons). These shows all got plenty of time to develope characters, plots, even mythologies.  These aren’t sitcoms, and there is no Joey or Kramer to keep the audience interested.

Also, I wish these chumps would learn to understand time-slots. On NBC, at least five or six shows have died in less than one season because they were aired at 10:00 pm, on Monday nights after “Heroes”. That’s five or six shows in three years. That’s fucking ridiculous. No one will watch those shows, not because they suck, but because their time-slot sucks. At 10:00 pm on Mondays, I’m thinking about how much Tuesday is going to suck, and I want to go to bed early. Fox can’t speak too loudly either; they have killed more shows with time-slots than anything. “Family Guy,” the show that Fox praises like a God, was canceled because no one watched…because no one knew when it was on. If I had known that it switched from Mondays to Wednesdays to Fridays, I would have kept watching. Ditto for “Arrested Development” and “Futurama.”

This rant is courtesy of Fox, TNT, and NBC, who are cancelling three of my shows after this season: “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles,” and “Trust Me,” and “Chuck.” Suck it, executives! I’m going to go watch old episodes of “MASH” and “Quantum Leap”!

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I’m thinking of something wild…

Posted by Kyle Martinak on January 3, 2009

After I finish the first draft of Playlist, I’m going to go back and re-organize the structure of the plot. Instead of starting the way it is right now, I’m going to start it in the middle of the book and work back to the beginning.

Maybe I shouldn’t give that away, but this is less of a broadcast and more of a journal in the public domain, right?

Exactly.

I figured. And I also figured that I’d end up talking to myself on here out of boredom and lonliness.

Hey! What’s that?!

It’s the wind!

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Something I just saw on TV

Posted by Kyle Martinak on December 1, 2008

So, I’ve just been informed by Fox News that certain college campuses have their own scents…in the form of scented candles. If these candles were accurate representations of the campuses they are named for, they would smell like flat beer, marijuana, stale doritos, vomit, bad pizza, melted plastic from an Xbox, and flop-sweat. Instead, they probably smell like sage. Eugene does not smell like sage. Nothing smells like sage, actually. Not even sage itself.

I was also watching Family Guy and they ripped on Dane Cook. They also ripped on any college dipshit that watches Dane Cook on Youtube. As if people who watch Dane Cook are all simple-minded Myspace douche-bags, because Dane Cook is in fact, a douche-bag. My gripe with this: Family Guy is only funny to simple-minded Myspace douche-bags. Perhaps Seth McFarlane should not insult his only audience, which is primarily made of college dipshits, who watch it on Youtube…like me.

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Kanye West, Twilight, and other things that piss me off today.

Posted by Kyle Martinak on November 25, 2008

I hate Kanye West. He struts around, doing interviews and actually saying that he is the most powerful black person in the media. Never mind Oprah, Will Smith, Spike Lee and Barack Obama! Kanye apparently invented being black and successful before turning thirty.

This little trout-sniffer believes that he invented being a rap mogul, as if Sean Combs and Dr. Dre were fictional characters. He needs to climb off his magic little carpet and realize that his music is passable (at best), his power is finite, and he is replaceable as resident douche-bag rapper on Myspace.

Furthermore, “Twilight” needs to die now, before it turns into something so mindless that it invades my headspace on a daily basis…like the election did. As if Harry Potter wasn’t already an annoyance with how much these mindless teenage consumers buy, and buy, and buy the merchandise and see the movie and wear the clothes. I don’t even care if Twilight is a terrific book series, or a marketing jackpot. It has no intellectual quality, and it makes Hot Topic richer and future generations dumber.

On top of all of that, I’m not graduating in four years, despite the fact that I’ve passed every class that I’ve taken, and all of them have fulfilled some requirement. That just pisses me off, royally. I’ve only taken fifteen credits per term for the last two years, but there’s no way I can take more than that and hold down a job.  I’m being penalized for trying to put myself through school (and failing, I might add).

Also, I was thinking about applying for a newspaper internship, but I’m just not confident in my level of experience. I don’t think I’ll get it, and even if I did, I would probably have to move to Astoria or Eastern Oregon for the summer, and I don’t have the energy for any of that crap. It isn’t worth it.

I don’t think newspapers are for me. I have too many crazy ideas and scathing opinions for a supposedly-unbiased profession. So, I guess I’ll be using my extra year at Western to come up with another possible career. I wonder how someone gets into writing fortune cookies…

Anyway, leave me a comment if you would please. I need a little self-assurance right now.

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New project, election results, and Kevin Smith

Posted by Kyle Martinak on November 5, 2008

First of all, I’m trying to write “Zombie, Baby!” and I think I’m going to get it filmed at some point. Anyone want to collaborate on it (besides Rosely, who is kind enough to indulge me)? It’s a musical zombie story with old rock songs from the sixties, seventies, and eighties. Songs are from the survivors, the zombie hoard, the scientists that created the flesh-eaters, and finally from the last man on earth.

Well, beyond that, there are results for the damn election tonight. I really don’t care who wins. Either way, I’ll bet everything I own that I’ll wake up and still think the government is idiotic tomorrow.

Instead of worrying about Obama or McCain, I watched “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” which isn’t really a celebratory film for porn, but a celebratory film for film-making. I was really inspired by Seth Rogen’s character, Zack, and how he goes from a sub-par barista to an invigorated film-maker with a purpose. It was also just a damn funny flick.

That’s all I got for now. Cheers, people.

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